Some Suggestions on How to Dad Part 2
NEW BABIES ARE NOT MUCH FUN
That’s right. For dads, they are an inconvenience. Oh, we love them. They are our offspring! Our heirs! But, they are noisy at the wrong times. They interrupt our routine. They make preparations to go anywhere a lot more complicated. Tiny babies are fine, as long as mom does most of the work. We can hold them; a little. But changing their diapers is scary. We have such big hands to be working with these delicate little people! Our touch is rough compared to Mom’s and we are clumsy. Am I really qualified to bathe a baby?
I always liked to wait to become significantly involved in my child’s life until he or she could crawl. Then I began to love the interaction with this drooly, curious, little person with all those random movements and gestures. I would get down on the floor and play with them for hours. Lifting them up above my body; then down, to sit astride my neck (I always had to dodge a big glob of drool headed for my eye.); maybe a little airplane ride above Daddy if they were adventuresome. (If they gasp, then they are not.)
Later, when they could toddle, I would convert my body into different forms of playground equipment. The favorite was the sliding-board. I got down on knees and elbows with my butt up in the air and they could climb up on my back and belly-slide down to the back of my head. Great fun! Then, there was the Big Roller. Daddy would just roll his body along the floor until he trapped the squealing child against the couch . The kid knew what was coming! The roller would grab and clasp the little one to his chest and roll back the other way, supporting with elbows on each revolution so baby doesn’t get crushed, of course.
It is good to have a physical relationship with your kid. They learn that you are trustworthy. They already know that about Mom. They are not so sure about Dad . He is big and rough and he might just eat them! When you hold them up high and give them a little scary thrill they find that they are safe in Dad’s hands too. When you cuddle with them they know that you have affection for them just like Mom. Then when you must use corporal punishment they will trust you in that as well. That is, if you do it right. More on that later.
PRE-SCHOOLERS
Dad’s don’t have a lot of time with their preschool kids. They should be going to bed around eight. (The kids, that is. I know that sometimes Dad would like to go to bed at eight too!) The kids should go to bed early both for their sake and the sake of your marriage. You and Mom need some time together. They go to bed so early and many times we dads get home so late that we have to reserve a special time everyday, when we can see a window, just for them. The time after supper was just right for us to devote to the kids. This was when we read stories to them; prayed with them; taught them God’s Word.
READ TO THEM
We tried to use Bible storybooks that introduced the major characters of the Bible. I didn’t want to let the book do the whole job of teaching them about David or Moses. I only wanted to give them the basics and have a picture to look at while I told them what I knew. I knew a lot. I am not bragging. I took my Bible reading seriously and I was sure to attend most of the Bible studies our church had for us. I knew many things about Bible characters from the Word of God that were important for my kids to know. These things often were not in the Bible storybook.
Secular books are okay, too. Pray about which of the famous popular children’s authors you expose them to. These are fresh minds. What are we going to put into them? Each child is a unique being. God knows each one and has a program planned for each of their lives. He wants us to train them in a way that will enable them to respond to Him. Will the books that you choose for them support or subvert God’s working in your child’s life? Some of the most popular award-winning secular children’s books have dangerous ungodly messages or self-centered messages in them. Pray about it.
We know, too, that reading to children helps them learn to read and to comprehend what they read. There are many kids who have trouble in school because they are weak readers. We found that reading secular story-books filled the need for vocabulary development in many different settings. We read all the famous stories that didn’t use ungodly premises for their themes such as magic, wizards, evolution, fairies, mythology and science fiction. Later, as we kept on reading to them through the early teen years, we stayed away from so-called Christian fiction. We believe that mixing the principles of God’s Word with fictional plots is against the teaching of scripture.
Here’s why. I realize that I am taking a rather extreme position by saying that I believe in never mixing the temporal with the spiritual. But I have taken other positions, too, that might be called extreme in order to achieve the success I have had in raising six kids to be godly adults.
I don’t want to mix temporal with spiritual because I have not become “fully persuaded in [my] own mind”, as it says in Romans 15:5, about the true nature of fiction. I admit to reading secular fiction. I have noted that a lot of secular fiction in all its forms, books, movies, TV, opera, etc., is often very unsuitable for Christian minds. It is obvious. But what about the not-so-obvious? If something has an evil side and a “good” side maybe it all has the capacity to be evil. Is there a twilight area between the two where things are “pretty much okay”? We can’t always really know when we are taking in the innocent-looking seed of something that will yield bitter fruit in our soul later.
If my suspicions are correct, I can do little to ensure that the Christian fiction I read doesn’t have some insidious sinful principle in it that was allowed in by the author. Let’s say the author doesn’t intend to corrupt the truth but by using the devices of fiction writing, he allows a humanistic view of Jesus (like the ones we saw in the epic biblical movies of the 40’s and 50’s) to lodge in his manuscript in the guise of characterization. What if other biblical principals are tweaked to make the story work? I can think of two very popular Christian fiction series, which I will not name, where not enough biblical information was available so the authors filled in with educated guesses based on their understanding as revealed in God’s word. The guesses are open to evaluation. Some people would take issue with what was taught, under the surface, about the subjects of the novels. Apparently, the authors couldn’t make a good story without doing harm to the biblical aspects of their subjects.
Words are able to move men. The Bible and preaching from it is verbal. Words are powerful. When we subject little children to words what kind of words should they be? I wanted mine to be protected from harmful mixtures of words so I didn’t use so-called Christian fiction.
GOD’S WORD
Reading to them is important but what is more important is what we called “Bible Time.” We are told to bring up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Any child who can talk is old enough to be ministered to directly from the Bible. The Word of God is a quickener. That is, it gives life. There is no age pre-requisite for ministering the Word to children. God told Moses to speak to the people of Israel and to tell them to speak the words of God with your children “when you sit down, when you stand up and when you walk by the way”. He didn’t mention an age at which to start.
There was a time when no children’s age-targeted materials were yet developed but great men of God like Moody and Darby were reared to take a place in Christian history. They were given the pure milk of the Word. Just the plain Word read to them is power in a young mind. I would read my kids a portion and have them repeat it back to me. Whether or not they understood any of it I am sure it left tracks in their minds. I even read to them when they were infants; not old enough to talk. When they were old enough to understand the idea, I told them that reading the Bible was like eating it (a valid and Biblical metaphor). I said when you eat food it goes into your mouth and down into your tummy. When you read or hear the Bible it goes in your ears and down into your heart. It is true.
An old Christian man told me once that there is an aspect to scripture that is beyond comprehension in that its simple ingestion is very powerful. He said that if one eats a hamburger, he doesn’t have to know how the nutrients are broken down in digestion or know which vitamins do what in order to benefit from the meal. He is nourished anyway. So, then, in eating the Word we don’t have to know any theology in order to gain from it. We might even say that a child’s simple unbiased mind is far better ground for the Word of God than ours.
Explaining the Word, as well, is even more valuable. Try to explain it, anyway, even if you fear that you are not qualified to teach them. There are books of the Bible that are easier to understand and teach than others. Begin with these. Take them verse by verse. Read a short portion and then go back over each verse, explaining the idea or action and then fill in the details and make an application the best you can. If you can’t explain a verse go on to the next one. If you are honest and you do love the Word of God, your child will know it and will accept what you say. If you find later that you were mistaken you can always correct yourself. Children are very forgiving if dads are open and honest with them.
Take the time to explain. Sometimes when we try to explain a difficult Biblical principle, we find that we learn it as we teach them. Often, the Holy Spirit comes alongside and helps by opening our eyes to see what the Bible is truly saying in verses that we did not understand before. You must pray and ask for this help. I confess that most of what I know about God I learned right along with my kids as He explained it through me. I used to preach and teach a lot in the days when my kids were young. I would often get an entire message or lesson laid out for me by the Lord as I taught a passage to my children. I would just start in explaining it and new insight would dawn on me. Later when I would read in reference books and go back over the other verses that I had remembered while teaching, I would find that what I had said was right. There would never be much to revise.
Respect their minds You must speak to your children and listen to them as if you respect their minds. Don’t think of them as ignorant or babies. They will pick up on this and tune you out. No matter how young they are, they can understand some things. Do your best to treat them as if they were completely mature and tailor the amount you try to explain to their age. Younger children will need more time and the truths to be reduced to their simpler elements. Your kids will respect you in conversation all through their growing years if you, by truly listening, always act as if they could teach you something . They will be eager to try to fulfill that expectation someday. That is where your link with them will be. Someday, they very likely WILL teach you something. Wouldn’t that be great?
I will give an example here of what I said to my young children at Bible Time one day. Reading straight through the New Testament, the verses that came up this day were: I Corinthians 6:15 - 17 “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ Himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said the two will become one flesh. But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with Him in spirit.”
This was a very difficult passage for the five-year-old who was present! Would you be tempted to skip it? It is okay to not explain something to a child. If you think it is not a subject you feel comfortable discussing with your family don‘t do it. But, be honest and simply tell them that you think it would be better to jump to the next chapter. I advise you to pray. God knows what your child needs to hear. In this case I felt that we should go right on and trust Him to help.
So, this is what I said: “You know, children, Mommy and Daddy love each other very much. Did you ever see Daddy kiss Mommy? (nods and smiles) Kissing and hugging is grown-ups’ way of showing they are in love. It’s a different kind of love than the way we love you. You can see the way mommy and daddy hug and kiss is different from the way we hug and kiss you. Right? Well, this verse tells us that when two people love each other and do a lot of hugging and stuff like that they become more than just two people. They become so together that they become like one person. Mommy and Daddy care about each other so much that Mommy cares more about Daddy than she does about herself and Daddy cares more about Mommy than he does about himself. They do things for each other and help each other because they care more about themselves as being married than they do about themselves as alone.
“There are women called prostitutes who hug and kiss men for money. Men pay them to give them kisses. What do you think of that?! Isn’t that terrible? God says that is really bad. This is something that God really hates a lot. God says here that a man should never hug and kiss and be one with a prostitute. He says that a man should never go to a prostitute because that would make him be one with the prostitute.
It also says here that if a man believes in Jesus as his savior he is one with God. But a man doesn’t hug and kiss with God, so how can he be one with Him? It says that he is one with God in spirit. You know what a spirit is. We have learned, about that before. You can’t touch a spirit. Remember, Jesus said “A spirit doesn’t have flesh and bones as you see I have.” A man or even a boy or girl who believes in Jesus can be one with God in spirit. When you get older you will understand this better. The thing that God is saying here is that it would be very bad for a person who is one with God in spirit to go and make himself one with an evil person like a prostitute. A Christian should run away from this kind of stuff.”
Be sensible. Children know what common sense is. You must not let ticklish subjects stimulate discussion that detracts from the ministry of the Holy Word of God. If one of my older children who had heard about sex already brought that truth into the discussion it would have to be dealt with but not in a condescending manner. Not in an embarrassing manner. Not with a harsh or abrupt squelching either. I would have to stop and address the issue without being trapped into talking about things that I felt were inappropriate. I am still in control.
That’s right. For dads, they are an inconvenience. Oh, we love them. They are our offspring! Our heirs! But, they are noisy at the wrong times. They interrupt our routine. They make preparations to go anywhere a lot more complicated. Tiny babies are fine, as long as mom does most of the work. We can hold them; a little. But changing their diapers is scary. We have such big hands to be working with these delicate little people! Our touch is rough compared to Mom’s and we are clumsy. Am I really qualified to bathe a baby?
I always liked to wait to become significantly involved in my child’s life until he or she could crawl. Then I began to love the interaction with this drooly, curious, little person with all those random movements and gestures. I would get down on the floor and play with them for hours. Lifting them up above my body; then down, to sit astride my neck (I always had to dodge a big glob of drool headed for my eye.); maybe a little airplane ride above Daddy if they were adventuresome. (If they gasp, then they are not.)
Later, when they could toddle, I would convert my body into different forms of playground equipment. The favorite was the sliding-board. I got down on knees and elbows with my butt up in the air and they could climb up on my back and belly-slide down to the back of my head. Great fun! Then, there was the Big Roller. Daddy would just roll his body along the floor until he trapped the squealing child against the couch . The kid knew what was coming! The roller would grab and clasp the little one to his chest and roll back the other way, supporting with elbows on each revolution so baby doesn’t get crushed, of course.
It is good to have a physical relationship with your kid. They learn that you are trustworthy. They already know that about Mom. They are not so sure about Dad . He is big and rough and he might just eat them! When you hold them up high and give them a little scary thrill they find that they are safe in Dad’s hands too. When you cuddle with them they know that you have affection for them just like Mom. Then when you must use corporal punishment they will trust you in that as well. That is, if you do it right. More on that later.
PRE-SCHOOLERS
Dad’s don’t have a lot of time with their preschool kids. They should be going to bed around eight. (The kids, that is. I know that sometimes Dad would like to go to bed at eight too!) The kids should go to bed early both for their sake and the sake of your marriage. You and Mom need some time together. They go to bed so early and many times we dads get home so late that we have to reserve a special time everyday, when we can see a window, just for them. The time after supper was just right for us to devote to the kids. This was when we read stories to them; prayed with them; taught them God’s Word.
READ TO THEM
We tried to use Bible storybooks that introduced the major characters of the Bible. I didn’t want to let the book do the whole job of teaching them about David or Moses. I only wanted to give them the basics and have a picture to look at while I told them what I knew. I knew a lot. I am not bragging. I took my Bible reading seriously and I was sure to attend most of the Bible studies our church had for us. I knew many things about Bible characters from the Word of God that were important for my kids to know. These things often were not in the Bible storybook.
Secular books are okay, too. Pray about which of the famous popular children’s authors you expose them to. These are fresh minds. What are we going to put into them? Each child is a unique being. God knows each one and has a program planned for each of their lives. He wants us to train them in a way that will enable them to respond to Him. Will the books that you choose for them support or subvert God’s working in your child’s life? Some of the most popular award-winning secular children’s books have dangerous ungodly messages or self-centered messages in them. Pray about it.
We know, too, that reading to children helps them learn to read and to comprehend what they read. There are many kids who have trouble in school because they are weak readers. We found that reading secular story-books filled the need for vocabulary development in many different settings. We read all the famous stories that didn’t use ungodly premises for their themes such as magic, wizards, evolution, fairies, mythology and science fiction. Later, as we kept on reading to them through the early teen years, we stayed away from so-called Christian fiction. We believe that mixing the principles of God’s Word with fictional plots is against the teaching of scripture.
Here’s why. I realize that I am taking a rather extreme position by saying that I believe in never mixing the temporal with the spiritual. But I have taken other positions, too, that might be called extreme in order to achieve the success I have had in raising six kids to be godly adults.
I don’t want to mix temporal with spiritual because I have not become “fully persuaded in [my] own mind”, as it says in Romans 15:5, about the true nature of fiction. I admit to reading secular fiction. I have noted that a lot of secular fiction in all its forms, books, movies, TV, opera, etc., is often very unsuitable for Christian minds. It is obvious. But what about the not-so-obvious? If something has an evil side and a “good” side maybe it all has the capacity to be evil. Is there a twilight area between the two where things are “pretty much okay”? We can’t always really know when we are taking in the innocent-looking seed of something that will yield bitter fruit in our soul later.
If my suspicions are correct, I can do little to ensure that the Christian fiction I read doesn’t have some insidious sinful principle in it that was allowed in by the author. Let’s say the author doesn’t intend to corrupt the truth but by using the devices of fiction writing, he allows a humanistic view of Jesus (like the ones we saw in the epic biblical movies of the 40’s and 50’s) to lodge in his manuscript in the guise of characterization. What if other biblical principals are tweaked to make the story work? I can think of two very popular Christian fiction series, which I will not name, where not enough biblical information was available so the authors filled in with educated guesses based on their understanding as revealed in God’s word. The guesses are open to evaluation. Some people would take issue with what was taught, under the surface, about the subjects of the novels. Apparently, the authors couldn’t make a good story without doing harm to the biblical aspects of their subjects.
Words are able to move men. The Bible and preaching from it is verbal. Words are powerful. When we subject little children to words what kind of words should they be? I wanted mine to be protected from harmful mixtures of words so I didn’t use so-called Christian fiction.
GOD’S WORD
Reading to them is important but what is more important is what we called “Bible Time.” We are told to bring up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Any child who can talk is old enough to be ministered to directly from the Bible. The Word of God is a quickener. That is, it gives life. There is no age pre-requisite for ministering the Word to children. God told Moses to speak to the people of Israel and to tell them to speak the words of God with your children “when you sit down, when you stand up and when you walk by the way”. He didn’t mention an age at which to start.
There was a time when no children’s age-targeted materials were yet developed but great men of God like Moody and Darby were reared to take a place in Christian history. They were given the pure milk of the Word. Just the plain Word read to them is power in a young mind. I would read my kids a portion and have them repeat it back to me. Whether or not they understood any of it I am sure it left tracks in their minds. I even read to them when they were infants; not old enough to talk. When they were old enough to understand the idea, I told them that reading the Bible was like eating it (a valid and Biblical metaphor). I said when you eat food it goes into your mouth and down into your tummy. When you read or hear the Bible it goes in your ears and down into your heart. It is true.
An old Christian man told me once that there is an aspect to scripture that is beyond comprehension in that its simple ingestion is very powerful. He said that if one eats a hamburger, he doesn’t have to know how the nutrients are broken down in digestion or know which vitamins do what in order to benefit from the meal. He is nourished anyway. So, then, in eating the Word we don’t have to know any theology in order to gain from it. We might even say that a child’s simple unbiased mind is far better ground for the Word of God than ours.
Explaining the Word, as well, is even more valuable. Try to explain it, anyway, even if you fear that you are not qualified to teach them. There are books of the Bible that are easier to understand and teach than others. Begin with these. Take them verse by verse. Read a short portion and then go back over each verse, explaining the idea or action and then fill in the details and make an application the best you can. If you can’t explain a verse go on to the next one. If you are honest and you do love the Word of God, your child will know it and will accept what you say. If you find later that you were mistaken you can always correct yourself. Children are very forgiving if dads are open and honest with them.
Take the time to explain. Sometimes when we try to explain a difficult Biblical principle, we find that we learn it as we teach them. Often, the Holy Spirit comes alongside and helps by opening our eyes to see what the Bible is truly saying in verses that we did not understand before. You must pray and ask for this help. I confess that most of what I know about God I learned right along with my kids as He explained it through me. I used to preach and teach a lot in the days when my kids were young. I would often get an entire message or lesson laid out for me by the Lord as I taught a passage to my children. I would just start in explaining it and new insight would dawn on me. Later when I would read in reference books and go back over the other verses that I had remembered while teaching, I would find that what I had said was right. There would never be much to revise.
Respect their minds You must speak to your children and listen to them as if you respect their minds. Don’t think of them as ignorant or babies. They will pick up on this and tune you out. No matter how young they are, they can understand some things. Do your best to treat them as if they were completely mature and tailor the amount you try to explain to their age. Younger children will need more time and the truths to be reduced to their simpler elements. Your kids will respect you in conversation all through their growing years if you, by truly listening, always act as if they could teach you something . They will be eager to try to fulfill that expectation someday. That is where your link with them will be. Someday, they very likely WILL teach you something. Wouldn’t that be great?
I will give an example here of what I said to my young children at Bible Time one day. Reading straight through the New Testament, the verses that came up this day were: I Corinthians 6:15 - 17 “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ Himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said the two will become one flesh. But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with Him in spirit.”
This was a very difficult passage for the five-year-old who was present! Would you be tempted to skip it? It is okay to not explain something to a child. If you think it is not a subject you feel comfortable discussing with your family don‘t do it. But, be honest and simply tell them that you think it would be better to jump to the next chapter. I advise you to pray. God knows what your child needs to hear. In this case I felt that we should go right on and trust Him to help.
So, this is what I said: “You know, children, Mommy and Daddy love each other very much. Did you ever see Daddy kiss Mommy? (nods and smiles) Kissing and hugging is grown-ups’ way of showing they are in love. It’s a different kind of love than the way we love you. You can see the way mommy and daddy hug and kiss is different from the way we hug and kiss you. Right? Well, this verse tells us that when two people love each other and do a lot of hugging and stuff like that they become more than just two people. They become so together that they become like one person. Mommy and Daddy care about each other so much that Mommy cares more about Daddy than she does about herself and Daddy cares more about Mommy than he does about himself. They do things for each other and help each other because they care more about themselves as being married than they do about themselves as alone.
“There are women called prostitutes who hug and kiss men for money. Men pay them to give them kisses. What do you think of that?! Isn’t that terrible? God says that is really bad. This is something that God really hates a lot. God says here that a man should never hug and kiss and be one with a prostitute. He says that a man should never go to a prostitute because that would make him be one with the prostitute.
It also says here that if a man believes in Jesus as his savior he is one with God. But a man doesn’t hug and kiss with God, so how can he be one with Him? It says that he is one with God in spirit. You know what a spirit is. We have learned, about that before. You can’t touch a spirit. Remember, Jesus said “A spirit doesn’t have flesh and bones as you see I have.” A man or even a boy or girl who believes in Jesus can be one with God in spirit. When you get older you will understand this better. The thing that God is saying here is that it would be very bad for a person who is one with God in spirit to go and make himself one with an evil person like a prostitute. A Christian should run away from this kind of stuff.”
Be sensible. Children know what common sense is. You must not let ticklish subjects stimulate discussion that detracts from the ministry of the Holy Word of God. If one of my older children who had heard about sex already brought that truth into the discussion it would have to be dealt with but not in a condescending manner. Not in an embarrassing manner. Not with a harsh or abrupt squelching either. I would have to stop and address the issue without being trapped into talking about things that I felt were inappropriate. I am still in control.
posted by Biblical Christianity at 2:51 AM
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