How to Dad Part 4

THE HEAD OF THE HOUSE

In the Old Testament man was under The Law. The Law is for governing the flesh. Our dealings with our young are like God’s disposition toward Israel. We are The Law to our kids. We stand in a unique place. We are not The Law to anybody else. But we are The Law toward our children until they reach the age of accountability. We are sort of in the place of God to them. God’s order is: The head of Christ is God; the head of man is Christ and man is the head of the woman. Being head of the woman is synonymous with being head of the house. Everyone understands this. They don’t all agree with it, but they understand it.
We, as fathers, are responsible for all that goes on under our roof and some of what goes on outside. God will call us to account some day. It will not be a fifty-fifty marriage that He evaluates. This is not about being dads, but I feel it’s good to say a few sentences about being husbands too. Will your wife allow you to have the last word? Do you even want the last word or are you afraid to make a firm decision? Do you think she knows better than you about things in the family? Is she more prayerful; more submitted to God; more knowledgeable about Him than you? Here is one area where there should be equality. You should both be spiritual and be in a partnership to work for God. The headship of the Dad is only a point of order. It should not reflect capability. If you have been denied your God-appointed place in the family, that is one problem. But if you have abdicated it that is surely another. Be honest. Which is it? How is it? Check it out in the Bible. If you doubt that you are the responsible spiritual leader of your family let your first act be to get grounded in the Word about that matter. Your wife, it says in Genesis, will, as a result of the curse, try to run things. It is in the sin nature of all women to do that. This is not my idea. It is in the Bible. God has given you the headship rights, officially, over her. This causes all the marriage friction and the so-called “war of the sexes”. The Bible is helpful about this. It tells how to remedy these conflicts. She must submit. You must give yourself up for her as Christ did for the church. See how easy that is? Hah! You can do it if you walk in the Spirit. I will not say more. If you are serious about complying with God’s design, you will search out and find the help you need in your own unique situation. John 7:17 says “If any man seek to do His will he shall know of the doctrine….”
If you have this part of the house in order, the rest will fall in line easier. She is your help, God says. Not help-mate. It is “help mete”, or “suitable help”. I remember one time I was angry and told God that my wife doesn’t suit me; that He erred in giving her to me. He answered back, “She may not suit you, but she suits me for you!”
She may know more about the kids in some respect. At least her input is important. As head you are required to consider that. She may be more skilled at planning social events. It’s okay if you let her do it. You are the CEO, not the whole company. My advice is to let her decide on the colors you use on all the walls. It may be a way of giving yourself up for her if she thinks light green would go better with the couch than black.
I had to do a lot of the grocery shopping because my wife had nursing babies and lots of housework. She sent me with a list. I also took one or two of the toddlers. We had a rule: Don’t ask me for, or touch, anything that is on the shelves. I talked about it with them while we shopped. I explained that it was not good for kids to have everything they wanted. God does not give Daddy and Mommy everything we want either, and it is not good to get used to getting things. I, though, had to remember to offer them something every other shopping trip. If they were old enough, I might send them for three or four items to give them practice in remembering and retrieval skills
Sometimes, in a store, I would see a young mother trying to find the color or style that pleases the seven-year-old they brought with them. It looks to be very frustrating for them. The things the child wants are either not found in the right size or the price is too high for Mom. How can a child that young decide some of the things that parents attempt to allow them? We need to think it through.
When you talk about the things of God with your preschoolers, it might be helpful to point out that you run their lives right now. They can expect you to make most of their decisions for them for the present. You can show them where God says that they are to obey you and Mom. You can show them, too, that your life, in turn, is run by the Lord Jesus Christ. They can know that Christ will keep you and that will make it safe for them as well. This unfolding of God’s order to them not only gives them the security of knowing authority is good and caring and reliable, but that God is at the top of the pyramid. If we establish kids in this early, it will be very advantageous. Take time to demonstrate this to them often. When you decide that vacation will be at the shore instead of the mountains, point out that you made the decision for them because you felt it was best and give your reasons. Other times, when choosing clothing, for example, don’t explain. Often God does not explain . They must be ready for that. If you do see a need for them to be able to choose, let them, but enforce it. Don’t let them change their minds. If you do the mind will change often!
Freedom is not license. I lived, for a while, in the Czech Republic, where, for many years the people were oppressed under a totalitarian regime. They did not have many of the freedoms that Americans believe are essential. When the government was replaced with a democracy, some people became so “free” that they refused to acknowledge that there should be any restraint on human behavior at all. Many decided to never control their kids because they didn’t like the control they had experienced over the decades. Isn’t it interesting how, so often, human nature is like that? We go from one extreme to another, even when we know that moderation is the best. The truth is hardly ever at the extreme but mostly found in the middle. The Czechs I am referring to equated the discipline of a child with oppression. Children sometimes think this way. That tells me that it is a childish concept and not valid.

SCHOOL

Where should we send our kids to school? My first choice is home-schooling. This was not available to us when our kids were little. I believe that this is God’s best way of preparing children for life. It is done in the home and parents have almost total control. This is best.
Many parents cannot teach their children at home. They must put them in a school. Which kind should they pick: Christian or public? There used to be two sides. One side said that we should not put our kids in a greenhouse (Christian school) where they will not get used to the harsh conditions of the real world. The other side maintained that it is best to shelter young plants at least for a while so that they can be strong enough to live in the world when it is actually necessary. The argument is different now. Public schools have become so ungodly that I would not want to put any child in one. I can say this because I taught in both public and Christian schools not very long ago.
The problem today is that the schools have all been caught up in the culture war. I say all, to include the Christian schools. Of course, I know that I cannot generalize one hundred percent. I have been generalizing a lot in this little essay but I hope you know that I know there are exceptions to what I am saying. The culture war is basically an assault on authority. The traditions and values of western civilization are under attack everywhere and that means the schools will experience it too. The Judeo-Christian and Anglo-European roots of our American way are repugnant to a growing group of people. These people are pushing to have laws enforced that were passed in the 70’s to quiet their protests. Now, they want to extend the grip of some of those laws into the classroom. So that I am not misread, I will give an example: The homosexual community wants to have its life-style taught in the schools as a true alternative to traditional family life.
Besides the culture war, there is the issue of “children’s rights” which so bogs down the system of maintaining order in all schools today that it is the exception to the rule to have a school where there is order prevailing in the classroom. Parents are ready to sue if the teacher enforces any rule in such a way that self-esteem is threatened. Sadly, it is not really possible to keep twenty-five kids from misbehaving by using means that never threaten anyone’s self-esteem. Schools that are successful in maintaining enough order for learning to occur probably ARE using methods that are liable for litigation. They do it because they feel they need to take the risk in the hope that they will get by and produce a group of grads who know something. They are sued often and they pay a lot for insurance.
What to do? I elect Christian schools, still. I do so because of what I became convinced of when my kids were school-aged: I would rather have my children taught by a Christian teacher in a school where she is still allowed to teach them that they are born in sin and need a Saviour than to let them be taught in an environment that is based on the premise that mankind is basically good and just needs more education to improve it. It is nice, too, that you won’t hear any nonsense about evolution there either. Did you know that only eleven percent of the population of the world believes that rot? That eleven percent are the ivory-tower people who wouldn’t know reality if it bounced up and spit in their eye.
When your child is ready to enter kindergarten or first grade, he/she will be tested. The school will want to know how close Junior is to being ready to read. Also, they will want to diagnose any possible learning disabilities that he may have. This is good. It may turn out that Junior is only four; about to turn five in October; but very intelligent. The school may suggest advanced placement. They may say that he could be put directly into first grade. That sounds good. You are very proud. You think it comes from your side of the family. Fine. Enjoy that. But let me tell another side to this.
If he is just five, in first grade he will have, as peers, kids who are six and will turn seven sometime during the year. That age difference is huge when kids are young. Who will likely be the leader in that class? Who will establish the pecking order? Yes, even in the best schools there is a governmental system among the kids. The oldest or at least an older child will naturally be the leader. Remember, too, that your kid was Johnny-come-lately to his peer-group. They have already spent a year in kindergarten together. Do you want your baby to be a follower? This will last throughout his school-life. He will always be the youngest. Also, the relationships that are established in the early years are likely to remain in place as long as he stays in that school. Not that being the leader is the top priority. The important aspect to this is that he will always be the follower. Who will be setting the tone for school society throughout his years there? Will it be another child who has been brought up right? Probably not. Those kind usually don’t covet to be the center of attention and the boss because they were brought up right! Junior will have to swim against the current and it will be harder if he’s the baby of the class. On the other hand, if he is held out a year, he may do better.
What is the big advantage of starting school early anyway? Is it bragging rights for Dad? Or is it so Mom can be free during the day? Hey, come on. This is your child, whom you only get one chance to bring up. Is an early start good so he can ultimately finish college early? So he can go to work early? So, then, he can retire one year early? Or get an extra year of work in and make an extra year of wages? Let’s get real. It may not happen like that anyway.
I took five and a half years to do college because I explored several course offerings before I finally found out what my calling was. Why should we push kids to run so hard? College is one of the best times of a kid’s life. Why shouldn’t he enjoy it? The money will be found to do that if it’s important. In view of that, why start kindergarten a year early?
There comes a time when kids no longer want to go to the store with Dad. They have other more important things to do. They are now in the group that has been introduced to the youth sub-culture.