How to Dad (Final installment)
DATING
Dating is actually practice or pretend marriage. Couples who date set up a false relationship. They try out being together. They put themselves in a position to observe what the other does in various social and physical situations with a view toward accepting or rejecting them as a marriage partner. They also look to see if the attraction that some call infatuation will grow into love or dim and fade away.
The pitfalls of this system are more severe than is acknowledged. Trying out the different aspects of a male-female relationship can lead to damage. We all know that if two people experiment with sex the results can be disastrous. But what if two young people abstain from the bedroom but one becomes very psychologically dependent on the other? What, then if they “break up”? The hurt that they suffer is not a God-ordained part of life. There is no scripture to suggest that the struggles, temptations, broken hearts and dependencies that are part of dating are normal and desirable trials which will increase the patience of those afflicted. Dating is not a biblical concept. When young people involve themselves in dating they enter an environment that is not sanctioned by the Lord. What happens in the so-called boyfriend/girlfriend relationship should be avoided. God has instituted trials in the normal course of life that are for our good, but if we leave the course He has described, we encounter trials that may NOT be for our good but for our destruction. How many of today’s marriages that fail are the result of damage to one or both the partners that was suffered while in a dating relationship with some other practice partner?
I never preached this to my kids but they learned it themselves and the two who seemed to be in danger of never finding a mate both decided to just quit dating. They said they were taking the attitude that if God has someone for them, He would bring them along in due time. They were right. A couple of years later both were happily married and are contented parents today.
What happens on a date will be largely determined by what you have done with your kid in the years leading up to it. At this point in their lives I just sat back and watched. But, there are a few things.
Don’t wait up for Junior. You didn’t like it. He won’t either. Besides, you will be tired in the morning and it won’t change anything that happened on his date. If you taught him well about sex, you told him he was the responsible party. She is not. Contrary to what is taught about the girl being the one who has to say “no”, it is the man who will be head of the family and it is the man who is the responsible one in a dating relationship. I told mine that I would stand behind them all the way if they got a girl pregnant but that discipline would be observed and they would be responsible and I would not bale them out. One of my boys quit dating after a year of it. He said that the Lord showed him that He had a girl somewhere for him and until He told him to get next to a girl he figured he shouldn’t complicate matters. He was right. He married a lovely Christian woman and they have a nice happy family.
Keep hands-off friends and lovers. This is very important. Do you want to discourage them from marrying the one who God actually wants for them? He or she might look like a loser at seventeen but don’t forget, they have some growing to do, too, and if they are to be your kid’s spouse, God will make sure they are just right for them. Did I say ”without fault”? No. “Just right for them”.
On the other hand, do you want to encourage a romance with a very promising-looking kid that may turn out to be a disastrous mate? Not me. I say hands-off. Pray. Of course, as always, be open to God. He may have you interject a word or two of advice here and there. But be sure it’s from Him. Your basic approach to their courting should be hands-off. Now, If they fall for some convict who they plan to marry in prison or if the kid is Islamic or something, of course you’re going to try to intervene! I’d probably get out my ball-bat!
Dating a person who is not a believer in Jesus is double trouble and I would try to help my child extricate from such a relationship or to avoid it from the start. First of all, as I said before, the dating game is not sanctioned by the Lord. So, if a girl is having some sort of trouble with an unsaved boyfriend, how does she go to the Lord and ask counsel? The answer is there in the Bible: “Don’t join yourself to an unbeliever.” If there is no trouble between them during the dating relationship, this can give false hope for the marriage. The Christian thinks that the non-believer will be tolerant and cooperative in church matters and matters of God’s leading. Once the honeymoon period is over, they are shocked to find that it didn’t turn out that way.
CHURCH
The main purpose of gathering together for “church” is actually to remember and to make a big celebration about the Lord Jesus Christ. I get this idea from reading what God says about church in the Bible. Then, a close second is to hear what the Spirit will say to us and, also, to pray as a group. These three elements must be present in any church gathering. It would be nice if all churches tried to follow the guidelines laid out by the apostle Paul. But, not one of the existing church groups does this perfectly. Kids know this.
You can’t fool a kid. A child can spot hypocrisy instantly. He may not know what it is called. But he knows he doesn’t like it. Yeah, I know, kids wiggle in church. That’s not a problem. It can be tolerated by both us and them unless they get to disturbing people. Then, if a word doesn’t squelch it, a trip to the foyer and a couple of smacks on the butt will usually clear it up.
But, the devices of Man instead of purely God’s presence in a church assembly will turn them off when they get a little older. Teens, of course, know everything and will quickly judge their church as acceptable or not. If you, Dad, have anything to say about how your church is run, your best job would be to get somebody to see that kids want truth. May I repeat that? Kids want TRUTH.
There is so much falsehood in today’s world. Most kids live by it. But a Christian teen who wants to obey God is looking for help at church. He or she wants to hear truth from the Sunday school, the youth leaders and the preachers. They care little for fancy programs and entertainment. They can go to the local cinema for that.
Young people are leaving the churches today not because there isn’t a good music program. (Have you noticed that we have attractive pagan music forms in many “worship” services now. It’s mainly to suit the flesh of worldly teens so they won’t leave.) But they are not turned off because they have to sit too long. Most of them would like to learn something about Christ beyond what they know. If someone would present that kind of material, the seekers would sit for hours listening. Dad, if your kids are brought up right and they tell you your church stinks, listen to them. Don’t necessarily change churches, but do listen. They may know more than you. Do some praying and ask the Lord if He is happy with your church choice. He is well able to let you know if you should change and where to go. Get into the Word and be thoroughly convinced of what a church would be like that follows God’s instructions. It is then that God will speak to you if you are open and if He wants you to move.
YOUNG ADULTS
This is another one of those times of “adjustment”. The kids go off to college, get married or find some reason to move out. The main struggle now is how we relate to them verbally. They can be very touchy about our giving them advice or trying to “run their lives”. Well it IS time to cut that out. It was good earlier, but it is time to quit now. They can buy the car they like, and they can drink in it if they want. They can go sky-diving! (My daughter did that! She came home one Saturday and said “Hey Dad! Guess what I just did!” I said, hopefully, “You got a job, right?”) They can go and live in a foreign land. They can buy that skateboard now, and we can’t say much about it.
Some of the things they may do are potentially dangerous. The old argument against Christian schools does have some validity. If we shelter our kids too much, they will not have experience avoiding temptation when they are very young. When they are older but still not truly mature, it may stumble them. The last thing you want is for them to become involved in drink or other bad habits after all you’ve done. But they may. Still remember to respect their minds. Also, remember that they will not take much advice at this age especially if they know they are doing wrong.
We had smelled smoke on one son’s clothing and in our car. I found a lighter in my car. I asked who had been smoking in my car. That is a fair question. It is not judgmental. I don’t want smoke in my car. My son admitted it. He was twenty-one years old. I didn’t press. I simply asked if he wanted his lighter back. I told him it was in my jacket if he wanted it. He said “No. It will only make it easier for me to smoke”. My three boys began to follow the ways of the world. Not only did they acquire bad habits, they did it together as a group. It became a “guy thing” to hang out together and with other fellows — all Christians, mind you, and indulge in these worldly joys. I winced. I had a very hard time not ranting and raving at my sons. One of them was married already! His wife didn’t approve. Their spiritual life was suspended and they were walking in the flesh. It was not anything that would be considered grounds for church discipline. But, it could have led to it. At this point I felt that all I could do is pray. Eventually, church discipline was required for one of them. I stood back. I was ready to do anything but would wait on the Lord. The son involved, came through it in honesty and submission and was restored. He is one of the godliest men in my family now.
Prayer is the best thing we can do. I once told someone that I could do a certain job with both hands tied behind my back. They scoffed. Then I informed them that I meant I would keep my hands off the job and pray asking God to work it through me. When we are weak, then we are strong. I brought my boys’ problem up at prayer meeting. I didn’t give details and I actually phrased it in this way: “We need to pray for the young men of this church that they would develop and take their places for service and leadership.” It was all true. I had a very heavy burden for the renewal of the church through the young men. I shared it with a fellow member and he concurred. We agreed together to pray this way.
Very soon my oldest son told me that all of them were becoming very bothered about the way they were acting. They had a meeting and all agreed that they needed to start having a young men’s Bible study at his home. This time was to be run by them with no outsiders allowed in. They would see what the Lord could show them about how to shift the focus of their lives. It worked. They gave up the habits and we see them at church meetings and they take part.
Did you know that God will “bend over back-wards” to give us our requests if they can possibly fit into His plan? Remember the wedding at Cana? He did what His mother wanted even though it wasn’t His “time”. We can ask things that are in His will and expect to get them and He will do them.
EMPTY NEST
Think of it this way. You’re not losing a kid. You’re gaining a parking space! This is the time of life when you collect for all the dirty diapers you rinsed out or carried out to the trashcan. Now is when you are rewarded for all the input you were careful about for 20, or so, years. It is SO good, during the Holidays, to have them sitting around your table with their significant others and to listen to their talk, their jokes, their ideas. It is a joy to discuss issues with them on an intelligent level.
What a different perspective they have after their first child is born! It’s amazing. They get very serious about things they never thought about before. Were we like that? Probably. Now when summer vacations roll around, it is they who are planning the place on the shore where all of us will stay. It is Mom and Dad who will be guests of the children, now, in the vacation cottage they have rented. And it is much grander than the one Dad could afford fifteen years before. We must exit with grace and dignity from that place of authority we held for so long . We must avoid speaking too loudly about things a daughter-in-law or son-in-law thinks or does that we find a little bit different from what we are used to. This stepping away needs to be done with prayer. We don’t know how much supervision they still do need even though they are grown.
Sometimes we can be held responsible by God. Read the account in the Bible about Eli. It is sobering. I say it needs to be done with prayer but it is hard to avoid arguments with them at times. Especially the single guy who has some big ideas for starting a business and doesn’t really have the resources yet to capitalize it. What do we do? Just let him crash? Somehow he could crash on us. And now we may be on fixed limited income.
What if one of them decides that health insurance is too costly and wants to chance it going bare? Is it enough to mention to them that if they end up a paraplegic you will not be able to afford their care without giving up your later life entirely just for them? Do we still have some authority? Will they listen? I have found that they will. If we are careful to talk to them like one adult to another. If we respect their opinions just like we did when they were eight or fifteen or eighteen. They will listen and respond as we taught them to. We must be on our faces before God always. That is the only way that we will raise kids for Him that will be a delight to Him, and us, as well.
These observations about practical aspects of raising children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord were learned on my face at Christ’s feet. If you think about it you can see that there are times that require nurture — a pastoring, a gentle merciful indulgence of childishness. And there are times when they need admonition — a “chewing out” as my old high school music teacher used to say. We cannot deny them the right to be children. And, we must meet them where they are.
In the Old Testament, God dealt with Israel “after the flesh”. That is, He put them through material trials and gave them material blessings. Every lesson impacted them in their human condition. The New Testament church is dealt with in grace. We can be spiritually chastened and edified in whatever material condition we may be in. God can use human circumstances to reach us directly in the spirit. We, as Christians, are “in the Spirit”. Israel was not. What does this have to do with being a dad? Well, Israel is like the child. It even says so in the first few verses of Galatians 4. And, the church is like the man. The child must be dealt with as a fleshly being, with rules and responsibilities and rewards in the material realm. When Israel sinned God caused them loss of their lands or crops. When He wanted to bless them He gave them bumper crops or victory over enemies. When the child reaches the “age of accountability” that we hear so much about, he can be introduced to spiritual truth. We have been teaching him a lot of truth all his short life. But when He is ready to be a son of God and stand before God on his own we have to change our approach. Nurture and admonition — love and discipline. These are fleshly dealings. Our hope is that one day that kid we read the Bible to every night will ask us to pray with him or her about a life decision that only they can make.
Reader, my friend, there is no greater joy that you can experience, as a dad.
Dating is actually practice or pretend marriage. Couples who date set up a false relationship. They try out being together. They put themselves in a position to observe what the other does in various social and physical situations with a view toward accepting or rejecting them as a marriage partner. They also look to see if the attraction that some call infatuation will grow into love or dim and fade away.
The pitfalls of this system are more severe than is acknowledged. Trying out the different aspects of a male-female relationship can lead to damage. We all know that if two people experiment with sex the results can be disastrous. But what if two young people abstain from the bedroom but one becomes very psychologically dependent on the other? What, then if they “break up”? The hurt that they suffer is not a God-ordained part of life. There is no scripture to suggest that the struggles, temptations, broken hearts and dependencies that are part of dating are normal and desirable trials which will increase the patience of those afflicted. Dating is not a biblical concept. When young people involve themselves in dating they enter an environment that is not sanctioned by the Lord. What happens in the so-called boyfriend/girlfriend relationship should be avoided. God has instituted trials in the normal course of life that are for our good, but if we leave the course He has described, we encounter trials that may NOT be for our good but for our destruction. How many of today’s marriages that fail are the result of damage to one or both the partners that was suffered while in a dating relationship with some other practice partner?
I never preached this to my kids but they learned it themselves and the two who seemed to be in danger of never finding a mate both decided to just quit dating. They said they were taking the attitude that if God has someone for them, He would bring them along in due time. They were right. A couple of years later both were happily married and are contented parents today.
What happens on a date will be largely determined by what you have done with your kid in the years leading up to it. At this point in their lives I just sat back and watched. But, there are a few things.
Don’t wait up for Junior. You didn’t like it. He won’t either. Besides, you will be tired in the morning and it won’t change anything that happened on his date. If you taught him well about sex, you told him he was the responsible party. She is not. Contrary to what is taught about the girl being the one who has to say “no”, it is the man who will be head of the family and it is the man who is the responsible one in a dating relationship. I told mine that I would stand behind them all the way if they got a girl pregnant but that discipline would be observed and they would be responsible and I would not bale them out. One of my boys quit dating after a year of it. He said that the Lord showed him that He had a girl somewhere for him and until He told him to get next to a girl he figured he shouldn’t complicate matters. He was right. He married a lovely Christian woman and they have a nice happy family.
Keep hands-off friends and lovers. This is very important. Do you want to discourage them from marrying the one who God actually wants for them? He or she might look like a loser at seventeen but don’t forget, they have some growing to do, too, and if they are to be your kid’s spouse, God will make sure they are just right for them. Did I say ”without fault”? No. “Just right for them”.
On the other hand, do you want to encourage a romance with a very promising-looking kid that may turn out to be a disastrous mate? Not me. I say hands-off. Pray. Of course, as always, be open to God. He may have you interject a word or two of advice here and there. But be sure it’s from Him. Your basic approach to their courting should be hands-off. Now, If they fall for some convict who they plan to marry in prison or if the kid is Islamic or something, of course you’re going to try to intervene! I’d probably get out my ball-bat!
Dating a person who is not a believer in Jesus is double trouble and I would try to help my child extricate from such a relationship or to avoid it from the start. First of all, as I said before, the dating game is not sanctioned by the Lord. So, if a girl is having some sort of trouble with an unsaved boyfriend, how does she go to the Lord and ask counsel? The answer is there in the Bible: “Don’t join yourself to an unbeliever.” If there is no trouble between them during the dating relationship, this can give false hope for the marriage. The Christian thinks that the non-believer will be tolerant and cooperative in church matters and matters of God’s leading. Once the honeymoon period is over, they are shocked to find that it didn’t turn out that way.
CHURCH
The main purpose of gathering together for “church” is actually to remember and to make a big celebration about the Lord Jesus Christ. I get this idea from reading what God says about church in the Bible. Then, a close second is to hear what the Spirit will say to us and, also, to pray as a group. These three elements must be present in any church gathering. It would be nice if all churches tried to follow the guidelines laid out by the apostle Paul. But, not one of the existing church groups does this perfectly. Kids know this.
You can’t fool a kid. A child can spot hypocrisy instantly. He may not know what it is called. But he knows he doesn’t like it. Yeah, I know, kids wiggle in church. That’s not a problem. It can be tolerated by both us and them unless they get to disturbing people. Then, if a word doesn’t squelch it, a trip to the foyer and a couple of smacks on the butt will usually clear it up.
But, the devices of Man instead of purely God’s presence in a church assembly will turn them off when they get a little older. Teens, of course, know everything and will quickly judge their church as acceptable or not. If you, Dad, have anything to say about how your church is run, your best job would be to get somebody to see that kids want truth. May I repeat that? Kids want TRUTH.
There is so much falsehood in today’s world. Most kids live by it. But a Christian teen who wants to obey God is looking for help at church. He or she wants to hear truth from the Sunday school, the youth leaders and the preachers. They care little for fancy programs and entertainment. They can go to the local cinema for that.
Young people are leaving the churches today not because there isn’t a good music program. (Have you noticed that we have attractive pagan music forms in many “worship” services now. It’s mainly to suit the flesh of worldly teens so they won’t leave.) But they are not turned off because they have to sit too long. Most of them would like to learn something about Christ beyond what they know. If someone would present that kind of material, the seekers would sit for hours listening. Dad, if your kids are brought up right and they tell you your church stinks, listen to them. Don’t necessarily change churches, but do listen. They may know more than you. Do some praying and ask the Lord if He is happy with your church choice. He is well able to let you know if you should change and where to go. Get into the Word and be thoroughly convinced of what a church would be like that follows God’s instructions. It is then that God will speak to you if you are open and if He wants you to move.
YOUNG ADULTS
This is another one of those times of “adjustment”. The kids go off to college, get married or find some reason to move out. The main struggle now is how we relate to them verbally. They can be very touchy about our giving them advice or trying to “run their lives”. Well it IS time to cut that out. It was good earlier, but it is time to quit now. They can buy the car they like, and they can drink in it if they want. They can go sky-diving! (My daughter did that! She came home one Saturday and said “Hey Dad! Guess what I just did!” I said, hopefully, “You got a job, right?”) They can go and live in a foreign land. They can buy that skateboard now, and we can’t say much about it.
Some of the things they may do are potentially dangerous. The old argument against Christian schools does have some validity. If we shelter our kids too much, they will not have experience avoiding temptation when they are very young. When they are older but still not truly mature, it may stumble them. The last thing you want is for them to become involved in drink or other bad habits after all you’ve done. But they may. Still remember to respect their minds. Also, remember that they will not take much advice at this age especially if they know they are doing wrong.
We had smelled smoke on one son’s clothing and in our car. I found a lighter in my car. I asked who had been smoking in my car. That is a fair question. It is not judgmental. I don’t want smoke in my car. My son admitted it. He was twenty-one years old. I didn’t press. I simply asked if he wanted his lighter back. I told him it was in my jacket if he wanted it. He said “No. It will only make it easier for me to smoke”. My three boys began to follow the ways of the world. Not only did they acquire bad habits, they did it together as a group. It became a “guy thing” to hang out together and with other fellows — all Christians, mind you, and indulge in these worldly joys. I winced. I had a very hard time not ranting and raving at my sons. One of them was married already! His wife didn’t approve. Their spiritual life was suspended and they were walking in the flesh. It was not anything that would be considered grounds for church discipline. But, it could have led to it. At this point I felt that all I could do is pray. Eventually, church discipline was required for one of them. I stood back. I was ready to do anything but would wait on the Lord. The son involved, came through it in honesty and submission and was restored. He is one of the godliest men in my family now.
Prayer is the best thing we can do. I once told someone that I could do a certain job with both hands tied behind my back. They scoffed. Then I informed them that I meant I would keep my hands off the job and pray asking God to work it through me. When we are weak, then we are strong. I brought my boys’ problem up at prayer meeting. I didn’t give details and I actually phrased it in this way: “We need to pray for the young men of this church that they would develop and take their places for service and leadership.” It was all true. I had a very heavy burden for the renewal of the church through the young men. I shared it with a fellow member and he concurred. We agreed together to pray this way.
Very soon my oldest son told me that all of them were becoming very bothered about the way they were acting. They had a meeting and all agreed that they needed to start having a young men’s Bible study at his home. This time was to be run by them with no outsiders allowed in. They would see what the Lord could show them about how to shift the focus of their lives. It worked. They gave up the habits and we see them at church meetings and they take part.
Did you know that God will “bend over back-wards” to give us our requests if they can possibly fit into His plan? Remember the wedding at Cana? He did what His mother wanted even though it wasn’t His “time”. We can ask things that are in His will and expect to get them and He will do them.
EMPTY NEST
Think of it this way. You’re not losing a kid. You’re gaining a parking space! This is the time of life when you collect for all the dirty diapers you rinsed out or carried out to the trashcan. Now is when you are rewarded for all the input you were careful about for 20, or so, years. It is SO good, during the Holidays, to have them sitting around your table with their significant others and to listen to their talk, their jokes, their ideas. It is a joy to discuss issues with them on an intelligent level.
What a different perspective they have after their first child is born! It’s amazing. They get very serious about things they never thought about before. Were we like that? Probably. Now when summer vacations roll around, it is they who are planning the place on the shore where all of us will stay. It is Mom and Dad who will be guests of the children, now, in the vacation cottage they have rented. And it is much grander than the one Dad could afford fifteen years before. We must exit with grace and dignity from that place of authority we held for so long . We must avoid speaking too loudly about things a daughter-in-law or son-in-law thinks or does that we find a little bit different from what we are used to. This stepping away needs to be done with prayer. We don’t know how much supervision they still do need even though they are grown.
Sometimes we can be held responsible by God. Read the account in the Bible about Eli. It is sobering. I say it needs to be done with prayer but it is hard to avoid arguments with them at times. Especially the single guy who has some big ideas for starting a business and doesn’t really have the resources yet to capitalize it. What do we do? Just let him crash? Somehow he could crash on us. And now we may be on fixed limited income.
What if one of them decides that health insurance is too costly and wants to chance it going bare? Is it enough to mention to them that if they end up a paraplegic you will not be able to afford their care without giving up your later life entirely just for them? Do we still have some authority? Will they listen? I have found that they will. If we are careful to talk to them like one adult to another. If we respect their opinions just like we did when they were eight or fifteen or eighteen. They will listen and respond as we taught them to. We must be on our faces before God always. That is the only way that we will raise kids for Him that will be a delight to Him, and us, as well.
These observations about practical aspects of raising children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord were learned on my face at Christ’s feet. If you think about it you can see that there are times that require nurture — a pastoring, a gentle merciful indulgence of childishness. And there are times when they need admonition — a “chewing out” as my old high school music teacher used to say. We cannot deny them the right to be children. And, we must meet them where they are.
In the Old Testament, God dealt with Israel “after the flesh”. That is, He put them through material trials and gave them material blessings. Every lesson impacted them in their human condition. The New Testament church is dealt with in grace. We can be spiritually chastened and edified in whatever material condition we may be in. God can use human circumstances to reach us directly in the spirit. We, as Christians, are “in the Spirit”. Israel was not. What does this have to do with being a dad? Well, Israel is like the child. It even says so in the first few verses of Galatians 4. And, the church is like the man. The child must be dealt with as a fleshly being, with rules and responsibilities and rewards in the material realm. When Israel sinned God caused them loss of their lands or crops. When He wanted to bless them He gave them bumper crops or victory over enemies. When the child reaches the “age of accountability” that we hear so much about, he can be introduced to spiritual truth. We have been teaching him a lot of truth all his short life. But when He is ready to be a son of God and stand before God on his own we have to change our approach. Nurture and admonition — love and discipline. These are fleshly dealings. Our hope is that one day that kid we read the Bible to every night will ask us to pray with him or her about a life decision that only they can make.
Reader, my friend, there is no greater joy that you can experience, as a dad.
posted by Biblical Christianity at 9:53 PM
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