I treat my kids with respect but I am the authority that God has set up. Until children reach a spiritual maturity where they can be trusted to pray and read and behave according to what they receive through that reading and prayer, their father is God to them. Yes, that is what I said: a father is the representative of God the Father to his children. At their birth he is totally in control and he is under the control of His Lord. As they grow and he teaches them about God, and if they receive Christ, he trusts them more and more to be directed by God and His word for themselves so that he can expect to be totally out of the picture by the time they leave the nest.
There is one more way in which we can show respect for our children’s minds. This is by fore-going the lies parents tell about characters like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. There can be some fun with this little deception. Mostly there is more fun for the adults involved than for the kids. Why not tell the truth? Mommy and Daddy give them the presents. Why not let this be a time for demonstrating love to your kids? Tell them it is you who work hard to get the money because you really love them and get so much pleasure out of seeing them get stuff. Think of the value this has in their lives. Instead of ascribing this great kindness to some imaginary character, they are thankful to you. This is a building block in your relationship. The issue of acquisition of material things can be greatly impacted by your kids having known from an early age that you want them to have things. “If you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children how much more does your Father in heaven know how to give the gift of the Holy Spirit to them that ask?” Then they will have a good idea of how God also wants them to have truly good things.
And there is another aspect to this imaginary character thing. Why teach them to love a person who doesn’t exist? Both the bunny and the old elf are invisible, just like God. Both are good to them if they are good and not if they are bad, just like God. Only they usually still get gifts even when they have been bad; further complicating the issue. Then later they find out that it is just a lie, just like God? Why throw them a curve on an issue like faith? Surely, this system was invented in Hell.
PRAYER
The best way for a father to teach his kids about the reality of relating to the living God is by teaching them to pray. When children are very young they can’t think of many things to say spontaneously to an invisible God so they have to be led. I always started three-year-olds off by having them repeat after me. I never taught them to ask for things. I taught them to thank Him. We thanked him for the sunshine and we thanked him for the rain. For the food and for Daddy’s job which supplied the food. We brought reality into their relationship to God by thanking Him for things they actually valued in their lives like a new toy or getting well from being sick. This made them see that God was truly supplying their needs and was demonstrating that what Dad said about Him is true: He loves us. Eventually we thanked Him in detail for the Cross of Christ and His Blood. In being specific about the remedy for sin we brought the power of the Cross into their consciousness so that the Holy Spirit could speak to them about being saved. It is not hard to talk to a child about sin. They become very aware of their inability to please Mommy very early. Some children are more mischievous than others but all are basically selfish. It’s natural.
PUNISHMENT
It is a father’s duty to deal with his child’s sin. We are commanded to use corporal punishment. I know that some people are against it but what are we going to do? It’s right there in the Bible. Is the Bible out of date? Are some parts of it out of date? Which parts? Can we be sure of the validity of any of it today? You will have to settle that issue yourself in prayer before its author. As for “me and my house”, I spanked. I cannot put too much stress the importance of spanking and here’s why.
Do you know that God had the whole camp of Israel stone children for rebelliousness that we routinely allow today? That was the law and we are not under that anymore. But should we be permissive? The Proverbs are not law. They are wisdom. In view of the lack of other directives about discipline I am willing to apply their teachings. There is no other instruction in the Bible as to method of correcting unruly children than what we find in the Proverbs.
It is interesting to note that what is known today as psychology is not hinted at. Psychology tries to improve the flesh. Even so-called Christian psychology tries to improve the flesh. God says that the flesh is crucified. He says we are a new creation. He does not want us to try to improve the flesh, but to put it off. But in children, it must be controlled until they are old enough to mortify the deeds of the body themselves. Therefore, God gives us the rod and the buttocks.
Spanking is not beating. It is not an indiscriminate lashing out at the child in rage. Spanking is administered. When we spank it is because we decide it is needed, it is not merely a reaction. A friend once told me that you should not spank but “turn the other cheek” to your child’s bad behavior. This is a wrong interpretation. We are admonished to turn the other cheek in response to a personal offense by another person. Children’s misbehaviors are not personal offenses. They are situations that parents must monitor and deal with for the good of the child.
Before we were saved, we were sinners who offended an angry God. As such, we were bound for Hell as punishment for our rejection of Him. After we are saved, we are members of God’s family and now we are no longer in danger of Hell. We are wonderfully free. But we still need discipline. Hebrews 12 says that if we do not get discipline from God, we should consider whether or not we actually are his child. There is discipline in the family of God. I have felt his rod at times in my life. Our correction of our children is like that. And God details very clearly what we should use to do it.
“The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother shame” Prov. 29:15.
“Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul.” Prov. 29:17.
“He that spareth his rod hateth his son...” Prov. 13:24
“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child but the rod of correction will drive it far from him.” Prov. 22:15
“Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod and shalt deliver his soul from hell.” Prov. 23:13 - 14.
Loving, careful, proper spanking is the hitting of the child’s buttocks with the open hand or some benign instrument (my daughter uses a big wooden kitchen spoon) that will not injure the child. We do not want to injure, only to inflict a small amount of pain. It is best to firmly hold the child still before hitting because it is natural for him or her to squirm around and try to avoid being struck. If you try to hit the target while they are doing that, you may hit a hand or an elbow or something that is not appropriate. While I am being specific, let me say that we should NEVER SHAKE A CHILD! I used to be shaken by teachers in school. My head would wobble back and forth on my shoulders. It was a good thing I had a strong neck or I would have had spinal cord damage. And that is the danger with shaking a child. Don’t slap the face, hit the hands with anything, pinch the ears, box the ears. Don’t make a child kneel on some rough surface. This is your child we are talking about. The Lord says to spank, not torture. Some detention punishments border on that, by the way. Making a kid sit in a corner without telling him how long he will be there is really very cruel.
The second reason I have for using spanking rather than the usual grounding or taking away of privileges is this: It is over quickly. A good quick swat on the seat brings sudden pain but then a session of soothing and comforting can be used to show that all is okay now and the slate is clean. Note that there is nothing in the Bible about deprivation punishments. It says nowhere that “Thou shalt not let thy son watch chariot races for two weeks if he lie to thee.” Or detention punishments: “Thou shalt keep thy daughter locked in her chamber if she speak sharply unto thee.”
And this last is very important. To hold and soothe the child is healing for child and parent. Loss of privilege usually has to last for days to be effective and during that time the child has opportunity to resent the parent every time he remembers that he can’t use the phone or play electronic games or whatever. The same is true for a kid put in his room for three days after school.
Have you ever heard of prison inmates saying that they realized how wrong they were as they sat there and thought about it for five to ten years? No. Deprivation and detention punishments do not work. Corporal punishment is over quickly; a point is made by the parent; and healing can begin.
There is an obvious lack of the power of conscience today. The most heinous crimes are committed by seemingly intelligent and decent people who are often only children. Unspeakable tortures and murders as well as simply insensitive vandalism are done by people whose answer to the media who interview them is a smirk or an insistence that they did no wrong even though they admit the act.
I believe there is a direct connection between the abandonment of spanking and this missing conscience. Let me illustrate. When my son was five years old, he broke something that was irreplaceable. He was unaffected. No apology. No embarrassment. He didn’t have that guilty look. I asked him “Aren’t you bothered that you have broken something your mom really loved?” He looked like that was a new thought to him. He just said, “No.” I was stunned. Then I realized that he was a kid. Duh. Sometimes we miss the obvious. He had no guilt about breaking the thing because no one had taught him to have a conscience about it. He didn’t know it was wrong.
This lack of sensitivity is excusable in a child, but not in an adult. Yet, in the twenty-first century, many adults haven’t any idea that what they do is wrong. No one taught them. Teaching isn’t just telling. Parents need to put a point on their teaching by spanking. This is one of the most important reasons that God wants us to use it. It creates conscience. Let me repeat that. It creates a conscience.
When my son laid eyes on another vase of my wife’s he was very careful near it because he remembered the admonition and the pain in his buttocks. I know that sounds cruel in today’s political climate. Only thirty years ago it was common to hear someone joke about being paddled so hard he had to eat off the mantle but he never did “THAT” again, whatever it was. Where have we come to? Was that a really unacceptable kind of a joke? We were barbarians back then? Where are we today? Kids run many of our families, it is legally risky to interfere when one of them is acting badly in public, they have taken hostage the learning climate in school classrooms, they can commit crimes as minors that adults would get years in prison for and they are only counseled, and on top of all that, more of them are committing suicide every year and no one can really understand why.
We need to remember that it wasn’t until Humanism made in-roads into mainstream culture that physical punishment was discontinued. In other centuries people were pilloried, flogged, and hanged. Only debtors or those who were considered a danger to society but not worthy of death were held in prison. The practice of public corporal punishment is based in God’s Word. Humanistic reformers worked to get us to where we are today: prisons bulging with unreformed outlaws waiting to be unleashed again. Corporal punishment is God’s way. For children, He scales it down to a rod. Don’t be squeamish, Dad!
The reason Humanists don’t like spanking kids is not because of the physical pain which is minimal. They are not even so worried about possible physical damage, the number of cases of which is actually quite low. These are false alarms raised to obscure the truth that they hate it because of the effect that spanking has on the inner child. Inversely, the reason God wants Dads to spank their kids is for that very same effect. That effect is very intimately invasive. It causes crying not so much because of the pain as because of the humiliation. In God’s value system humbling, or humiliation is a very valuable behavior-changing tool, even for adults. Do a search on the word with your concordance and see. It touches the person deeply and makes a lasting impression. Granted, if abuse is the objective, this can cause a child lasting damage, but I remind my reader, we are talking about the proper use of spanking. Because many use it wrongly doesn’t, I repeat, negate the biblical instruction anymore than drunkenness negates the use of wine in communion.
I pointed out earlier that spanking creates conscience. This is because it is the invasion of the child’s inner heart by the parent’s value system. Your son or daughter is humbled and weakened and made to accept what you insist on. Who, if not you, is going to insist on behavior change? Who better than you? It is our responsibility to insist on behavior change. Spanking does it best because it has this humbling effect. This is the same issue as is spoken about in Hebrews 12:7-11 and again in Lamentations 3, in relation to adult men. I suggest you take a look at those passages.
Humanists have rightly realized that spanking touches deeply within a child and for this reason they are against it. They believe that every person has the right to privacy in that place, even a child. This is a core belief of the “Children’s Rights” movement. They see it as hurting the child’s self-esteem. Well, humbling does violence to the self-esteem, no doubt. But that is precisely where our sin problems lie, in the self.
When my children were old enough to understand it, I showed them the verses that tell parents to spank. I also showed them the ones about children being commanded to obey and even the ones where God told Moses to deal with very bad children by stoning them. In today’s world of casual violence it is hard to shock a child with ideas like these so I wasn’t afraid of giving them nightmares. (Mine didn’t cry when they heard it.)
It is good to show them that God can, and will, be violent. He was violent in the Old Testament and He will be very violent in the End Times. Violence is God’s way of controlling evil. Note that in the New Testament He gives civil authorities the use of the sword for that purpose. In the real world, some kids resent corporal punishment too. But most do not, if it is done correctly. Don’t be afraid to spank when you are angry unless you KNOW you will not be able to control yourself. If you wait to see how you feel in a few minutes, the instant will be lost and, with it, the teachable moment.
When God was dealing with His people in the Old Testament, He often used anger. One of the most brutal aspects of the Nazis’ treatment of people was their lack of emotion. They calmly inflicted pain. If we must cause our kids pain (and we must, sometimes) it is better to let our feelings show. Again, we must be sure our feelings are just and righteous; not selfish or the product of a foul disposition.
And yelling is okay, too, if you don’t abuse it. Someone who yells all the time is boring and doesn’t get his kids’ attention. But, a well-placed eruption at the right time is helpful. The only means, besides spanking, that God specifies for dealing with misbehavior is to verbally correct the child. The Bible stresses verbal behavior a lot. It does not say we must keep our voice down. And, a spanking now and then tends to make kids pay attention to verbal correction.
Whether you agree with spanking or not, Dad, I hope I have at least made a good case for punishing wrong behavior. If you don’t like spanking and you are not impressed with God’s command to you to use it, then pick something you can live with and use that. But, be consistent. Nothing is worse than to send a kid different messages about his or her behavior. If he gets away with something today but not tomorrow, it is a bad scene, Pop, no matter how you slice it.
When you punish, remember that there is a time-lapse. Often we punish for a bad habit. Like Junior picking his nose and wiping it on his shirt. You punish him for doing that today about 4 times. Tomorrow, another 5 times. After that it just seems to go on and on and you are saying “Punishment doesn’t work. I am after him all the time and he just keeps on doing it.” So, you are about to give up. But you don’t and a week later, suddenly, he is not wiping his boogers on his shirt anymore. You are very satisfied. You have been successful. You have seen results. You are convinced. And rightly so, because if you help him maintain good habits instead of the old bad ones, (give him a tissue) he will become a well-mannered young man. Sometimes it takes awhile.
Don’t be surprised, though, if immediately after you eradicate one bad behavior, another one takes its place. Now, he picks his nose and wipes it on YOUR shirt. It just never ends. You do, in fact, have to be after them ALL THE TIME.
Along with this, I always made sure that we had a gripe session once in a while. I would sit the kids down and tell them that they could raise any issue they wanted. They could complain about anything that was bothering them. It could be about me or Mom or brother or sister or issues in the family or policies or whatever. I promised I would listen and not get angry. I promised I would do something to change or fix the problem if I could without endangering the good of the family. Very often they had good suggestions as to improvements. If I couldn’t do anything for them, I would explain why and they were usually satisfied.
One little family tradition was “Going A-w-w-w-w”. I don’t know how this started; probably with the comforting of one of the little ones at some point, but we would all gather in a crowd and put arms around so that everybody felt hugged. It would get pretty tight when we finally got to 8 in the family. Sometimes the affection was stifling and the smallest would get all panicky and fight for a bit of loose space. Then we would all just say “A-w-w-w-w-w-w-w” in unison. We would start at a high note and trail gradually down and finally fade out. This brought a lot of smiles and good feeling. We might do this after a stressful situation or after a gripe session. It sort of phased out by the time the oldest were in late teens. But since those two were girls, they didn’t feel self-conscious doing it for the sake of the toddlers.
